Game 20: Bomb Rush Cyberfunk

Even before I started this blog, a friend of mine has repeatedly recommended this game to me, and judging by the reviews on Steam many people share his opinion.

Let's hop in and see what musical mayhem awaits us.

Yo, name's Faux. I'm here in lockup, the police got me good and I've been kickin' back here a week or so when this guy, Tryce, he gets outta his cell and the good Samaritan lets yer boy Faux out too. Wait up. You ain't listenin' to me right. This story, it's gotta be told right. You? You need to put this on first. Groovin'? Let's do this.

We're not gonna go into how I got locked up my man it's embarrasin' and not the point of this story.

I'm not much to look at, some might call me low-poly, but it's not about the amount of polys you got, it's about how you use them.

Some might say my head is disporportionately small but what do they know?

We bust out and start wanderin' around the place lookin' for a way out, but on that way out we gotta leave a little somethin, a little calling card here and there.

Tyce has this crew, da Bomb Rush Cyberfunk - BRC, and I pick up on the logo real quick.

I'm an artiste, you see. Like Banksy but not so much of a little bitch.

I put my own spin on the Crew. You like? I owe Tyce for bustin' me out.

Some might say we oughta be spendin' our time escapin' instead of paintin'. To that I say - yeah maybe they did catch up with us right after I tagged that.

I got no idea if they're natural.

But hey, I'm not just an artiste. I also put up a fight like you wouldn't believe. Irene here had four guards and I get a little wild taking care of business, I may have spray painted Irene, all four guards, and the wall twice more in the course of extricating myself from the situation but in the end Irene flew the coop. I thought we were home free, I really did. I took a second to tell Tyce I trusted him and I'd be joining his crew if we got out alive. And then this guy had something to say about that.

Real retro guy. Who plays vinyl these days?

Tyce and I just laughed the guy off and jumped off the building, practically scot free - but this guy's got a hell of an arm. And those records are real sharp.

And he took my goddamn head off. Clean.

Yeah me? I didn't believe it neither. But then again you can't believe much with no head.

But Tyce? You better fuckin' believe in Tyce, because that guy had a solution. We just met today and that guy sprung for a brand-new head for yours truly. What a guy!

And he even wants to get my original head back! I assume (besides the detachment thing) it will be fine after falling off a building.

But wait till you see the new me. Do I really need that old thing? I hear you, 'Faux what about your brain', my parents said I never even used the thing! Ok, so, you may have surmised that I'm not Faux. But I've got Faux's body! So I'm mostly Faux. Tyce told me about the former Faux so I got his history, anyway.

I go by 'Red' now. On account of the color. Not 'Four Eyes'. The ladies love it.

Oh, and this chick is part of the crew, Bel - she showed me around the Bomb Rush Cyberfunk and asked me to show off some moves, I'm a natural ever since I booted up. I'm not just an artiste, I'm also a pro skater.

What, YOU can't grind a vertical power pole? Skill issue, bra,

After showing my stuff, Tyce wants me in the crew. He wants to take BRC All City, which woulda been easy if I were all Faux, but I've just got the body for it. First thing Tyce wants to do is get the Faux's head back. Bel says it's sketch, like, heads don't tend to be good after a couple hours. But Tyce, he says the record guy DJ Cyber, he's got thing for heads, maybe he nabbed it and stashed it.

Baby those pants are NOT in my future.

He got his own crew, Futurism, and they just put the smack-down on another crew, the Franks. I figure if we also smack-down the Franks then they'll just have low self-esteem but Tyce says that'll get them under our thumb instead of the Futurism thumbs.

Barricading streets ain't cool but hoops on the barricades are fly.

We head over to Versum Hill to shake things up and see if we can get the Franks out for a little face to face.

Or a face to multiple faces - how many folks you got sewn into you there bud?

Lemme spell this out for you - you want the street cred to talk to a crew, you need Rep. You want Rep, you gotta tag over their marks on the streets. You tag enough on the streets, you get the attention of the Fun Police.

Or as some call them, the police.

But they've got nothin' on a skating Cyberhead like me. If I paid taxes I'd be real mad at how they got thrown down the drain on this blue crew. After a little scuffle I meet up with the guy that keeps the Franks together. I'm talkin' in the literal.

My guy you should not want anyone to call you that please buy a shirt.

Apparently Tryce had the Flesh Prince sew my head on my body and I am not down for a Red I am your Father scene here. Tyce throws down: Crew battle! We win, Flesh P. gots ta give up where DJ Cyber's crashin'. We lose and we gotta serve their crew, all of us. Don't seem like fair stakes but it's not like that'll happen with Red in the mix. Crew battle is all about showing your moves. But who says who's better? Can't be from either crew, no - you need the people who've seen some shit. Let me introduce you to the Supreme Court of the Streets - the Oldheads.

This ain't no midlife crisis son.

Time to throw down - Tyce and Bel just sit back and let your Cyber-boy Red steal the show.

I got some practice tagging the Frank's turf so I know my way around.

In the end it isn't even close. No split decision here.

Was there ever any doubt?

Flesh Prince thinks it's bullshit and he's about to wuss out on the stakes when that's moot because DJ Cyber himself shows up.

Motherfucker boosted that from CIS

DJ shocks us by showing he ain't all bad - he's not down with the Flesh Prince trying to defy the Court and ends up handing their territory to the B! R! C! as punishment!

Shit man, I'll take that.

Tyce gets a big head about it though and starts throwing accusations about heads, and Cyber is suddenly less down to be cool.

Hold me back Ms. Cotton Candy, hold me back!

His hot goons hold down Tyce and Bel and I end up in the back of Ghost in the Shell bot and DC Cyber says a bunch of wierd shit about simulating brains and robots and then it all went black.

Like... all of it. Where am I?

Cyber shows up and when he was tallking about being one of the Big 3 I figured yo', metaphor man, and he's like naw.

Androids do dream and the DJ likes to watch.

I come to and the DJ won't give us no head... but he says if we can go All City before Futurism does, we can make him give it up.

I'll make you eat your records too, DJ.

That's all I wanted anyway, the head's just a bonus. Tyce starts talkin' about the last guy that went all city, Felix. He was part of the Big 3 with Faux and DJ Cyber, but they had to bow down when Felix topped them both. But someone murdered the guy, and Felix is the past. The future is Red.

Nobody else is defining what All City actually means so I guess that's my goddamn job.

So we gotta start crewing streets and chewing bubble gum and I can't eat gum. Or anythin' else. We're gonna take on the Eclipse, up and comers with some sort of astrology deal.

It's ok man I ain't lookin' at their eyes.

The Eclipse have some dope-ass tags, they so pretty it's almost a shame to tag over 'em.

Almost.

Enough tagging and the Eclipse ladies and their shoulders come out to talk.

No. Maybe.

I'm tryin' to explain the situation to these chicks but they ain't havin' it, claiming I don't understand what it takes to be a woman. None of 'em want to trade bodies so I can try it out.

Bel's a different story. She shows up and sets 'em straight!

We found this guy, Solace, in a dumpster.

He wanted to help but lil' Crashtest wasn't much good at it.

And we grindin' and taggin' and the police show again, and this time they weren't messin' around.

The longer the barrel, the better!

Yo taxpayers, all this gear and they're dogshit at hitting a moving target. The one time they DID land me, bounce-baby - Metal head over here. Also, another Metal head with the fuzz!

Escher gives up on shooting me and points out a flaw in my head-related aspirations.

Bitch I got NO time to think about what I'm gonna DO if I get that head back, we gotta get back to taking Eclipse the fuck down! Same deal as the Franks, Supreme Court of Olds pops in and runs the show, and we're poppin' moves like there's no tomorrow. Eclipse was in it until I pulled this shit. If you thought that vertical grind up a pole was hot baby feast your eyes!

Magnets - how do they work?

Eclipse goes down and the BRC goes up and yer boy Red taps out and sees things...

Weird things....

What if city but also testicles.

Yo, maybe going All City is messing me up, gettin' to me. Naw I'm just playing. Let's take down another crew! DOT EXE we comin' for you!

Real talk, I dig the tracksuit and pool ball aesthetic.

We headed to the Millenium Mall where DOT hones their dance-battles.

What up dog?

This guy Solace keeps showin' up in cramped places. Says he's afraid of 'em.

That's fucked yo.

Also police funding is way outta control! They got rocket-powered handcuffs! For a guy with a spray can! Defund the police!

The handcuffs have incredibly sophisticated homing and are trivial to escape from.

Did I mention that I get to do all this while I got bomb-ass tracks playing all the time? You gotta dig the tunes man! We ditch the cops and get into the Mall. This Vinyl chick is there, she held me back from DJ Cyber earlier but she says that's not her thing anymore.

Lady it's a gang not a job.

We're working on gettin' DOT EXE riled up when the police show and, man, who is paying for all this?!?

It ain't ME shooting up a mall!

Yo bro, my brother in Christ, this mech? Not properly sealed against Spray Paint. Swear to God. DOT EXE decides to show up after I dismantle Shooty McMall - I'm pretty sure the Oldies are following me around because they're right there too. The DOTs put up a show but I've been gettin' real good at this.

Like, real fuckin' good.

That's three boroughs down, two to go. All City here we come! I'm not just an artiste, I'm also a badass dancer, so BRC is breakdancing just to cap off the day when the DOT EXE boss gets capped.

Gettin' whacked is whack, yo.

I take one glance and hey, it's too much ya got me? Naptime.

Do androids dream of electric snakes?

Only this time it's more of a nightmare because the gods-damned police show up! In my gods-damned dreams!

Oh I'm sorry did I get a little paint on your uniform?

You know I'm lucky I got Tyce because I wake up back at BRC HQ. I don't think I've ever actually travelled back here, only woken up here. Cotton Candy Hair followed us, she wants to join the crew - says she has some info about my head.

She says my dreams are... memories?

AND THEN THE POLICE SHOW UP AGAIN

You are a bad sniper.

Escher's finally found a range at which he can hit a target and pops me good. Breaks my head...

Or rather.... my helmet?

Yo..... Yo what the F..... Ok. I been out of it for a while. My crew got my back though, been runnin' around tryin' to find Flesh Prince and they brought him back to say what's what.

Ok, maybe I ought to have figured out I had a human head on my own but it's been a busy day.

This explains so much, why I have memories of Faux, why I have these dreams....

I used to be... used to be....

Aww you know what? Fuck that. Who gives a shit. We goin' ALL CITY BABY! Ain't nobody got time for this!

The next crew got themselves an offshore oil pyramid!

Devil Theory moved out there when they got kicked outta the city, word is they're real dangerous.

They got dope tags too, enjoy it while it lasts.

What's good about the art crashes out on the duds. Swear to god they look like rejects from a Furry Samurai convention.

Not as lost as that outfit.

Then one of these motherfuckers pulls me into a police ambush!

What kind of little bitch ass crew uses the police to do their dirty work?

Once we go All City, Devil Theory is getting banished for this. Straight-up exile yo. You can't be a devious little bitch in my city.

Nothin' but the truth.

When the time comes for Devil Theory to stand up for their territory these chickenshits straight-up call the cops!

And the cops respond in force!

My dawg you got any notion what a goddamn Attack Helicopter runs on c-bay these days? I just splashed more tax dollars than you'll ever pay in your life.

Bonus: I also got a cop to sit around long enough to tag him.

Once the Fuzz are flushed, there ain't no boys in blue to keep Devil Theory safe.

I told 'em what's what.

You know how BRC rolls - the Old Guys roll in, take one look at what Red's puttin' down, and give us the territory. Ain't nobody gonna be heading from Devil Theory in this city again.

Then this guy shows and remines us that there are some problems we ain't handled yet.

Vinyl's part of the BRC you freak, hands off!

I tell Cyber it's time to throw down. 1v1 me u coward.

Shockingly he accepted the offer.

That spider-ass-tank's got serious ordinance! I chewed up a lot of boom taking him down.

Ow. Shrapnel. Ow. Ow.

Took awhile to return those records to sender, but he bit off more than he could chew.

You ain't gettin' away this time DJ.

Cyber takes off the mask, and there I am waitin' on him for an apology...

Remember WHAT you freak?

Aw hell... My head...

I had him... I had him and now I'm out of it again...

Swirls. Fans. Tags. A billboard. A Ladder. Faux... and Me.

I'm Felix. That's who I was.

Ok, I gotta be real - I'm hungry as hell. Figured I didn't need to eat all this time, bein' a cyberhead and all. I gotta get a snack.

Vinyl and DJ Cyber conspired to make me remember.

I dunno how to feel about all this. Vinyl helped me by betraying me? I can't sort this out. DJ Cyber starts bein' real cool, says he'll stop throwing steel-edged records at me. Thanks man. What was the plan if you'd cut my head off again? DJ piles on and admits he doesn't have Faux's head - the police do.

And they're using him.

Faux's head + the machine is codenamed Project Algo and they hooked him up to the police network to hunt us down, but Faux went overboard because he wants to be the last Writer in the city - by having the police kill us all because we're 'Armed and Dangerous'. Now, I'm like 'Woah dude, let's go fuckin' ape on the police and shut that shit down', but Tryce, man, that guy sets his sights on somethin' and won't let go.

Apparently I'm the only one that thinks that avoiding being murdered might be a higher priority than going All City.

Tryce says we gotta go after Futurism next. Hey why not, I'm down! Maybe ignoring the murderous police led by a vengeful disembodied head that knows all about us will be fine!

Futurism's home turf Mataan is beautiful at night.

You know the drill! Tag the walls until the police show up and keep tagging! At least Futurism ain't the ones that called the cops this time. Done and done. Time to throw down for their turf.

That's right.

Futurism's the best yet but they got nothin on ol' Felix. Or is it Red? Don't matter, that's five boroughs under the BRC!

DJ Cyber wants me to remember everything.

Hey, it beats passing out, so I get in the spider tank for some sleepytime.

Yo. Name's Felix.

And it's all comin' back, floodin' back...

I remember what a damn good Artist I was. Fuckin' rare.

And I remember Faux... what he did...

He pulled the god-damn ladder out from under me!

It was a spot everybody was gonna see, real high up on a billboard. I usually work alone - I work best alone - but somebody had to hold the ladder and I chose the wrong guy. Faux, that ambitious little shit. Couldn't make it on his own skills, he sends me off a building, through an industrial fan that cuts my head off, into a gym where, fortunately for me, none other than DJ Cyber and the Flesh Prince were hangin' out. They saved my head while the police got my body. Cyber learns what's what and tries to take out Faux after the prison break, and when Tryce gets ahold of Faux's body the Prince sticks my head on it.

Dude, it's sorta not cool telling me I'm a cyberhead but I'm kinda diggin' it now.. I'm Felix AND Red, past and present. And Faux? It's time to deal with him.

Yo. Name's Red Felix.

But Faux got other plans.

Ignoring the murderous police led by a vengeful disembodied head that knows all about us was not fine.

Faux himself is in the pilot seat this time, guess he decided to settle things personally.

A fair decision given the incompetence of the police force.

Unfortunately for Faux, I'm not just an artiste. I'm also a damn good destroyer of taxpayer-funded quasi-military projects.

They did not fix the extreme vulnerability to spray-paint.

But turns out they did install... other upgrades.

It showed back up as a giant mech-snake!

I'll admit, good one Faux, you really took me by surpr....

Pop

I see Faux toss his own body down towards the city streets. He grabs Solace, that weird crash-test-dummy dude from earlier, says he's going to use that guy's body for himself instead, and stalks off. Not much I can do about it when I'm just a head. Guess the Prince put in some good shit with this cyberhead because I ain't dead yet, and when a renegade police officer shows up with my original body because they're against Faux taking over the department, I'm still kickin'.

Do the police just hold on to headless bodies that they find? How many do they have?

I'm All Felix, goin' All City, and no Faux. Me and the Crew run down Faux in a real convenient spot.

Good thing Faux decided to hang out in this jungle gym for skateboard grinding!

And this 'mech may be bigger, it may be badder, and it may contain strangely specific drones that can also ride the rails and try to grind you down, but it still can't handle spray paint.

Seriously guys you need to fix this.

And once it's arms are gone and the crew pries open the faceplate, I got one last thing to say to Faux.

Say Goodbye to Red because I smashed so hard into Faux it shattered.

He's out cold, and it's a long fall down to the streets. Serves Faux right for tryin' to off the competition over graffiti. What's All City mean you to anyway, Faux? You gonna walk alone tagging the Five Boroughs because you killed everyone else?

That's not what All City is about. It's about standin' on top and stayin' on top by showing the midlife crisis guys that you got the best tags, the best moves, and the best people. And the Bomb Ruch Crew has got it all baby.

Even though we All City now, the rest of the crews got our respect, and we're gonna stay on top because we're gonna stay the best for as long as we can. The other crews give us meaning by keeping the competition alive. Except Devil Theory, y'all need to get the fuck out. Today. Goddamn Narcs.